If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
