he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
