Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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