i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
