then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
