My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
