im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
