No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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