what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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