I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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