I looked at my own cervix.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
