Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
