so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
