you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
