I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
