wakey wakey hands off snakey
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
