Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There's always time for handjobs
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
