I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
