If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
