I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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