What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have already put on my inside pants.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
