i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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