shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
