the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
