Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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