Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
