WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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