Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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