Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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