I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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