Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
birth control should be required to get into college
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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