I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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