Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
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