$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
