Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
