it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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