I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
