In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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