The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
