"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
