I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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