if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
