wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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