i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
