i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
