i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
