I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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