too bad you live with your parents still
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
