I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
