I'm gonna have a badass scar
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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