There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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